Letting go...

I have been inspired the last few days with how open my beautiful friend Sam has been about her struggles with anorexia. Though I have never struggled with this particular disease, I am very familiar with the eating disorder mindset, as I have personally struggled with more than one. It saddens me greatly that eating disorders are not only becoming more common, but are now the norm for young women. We, in the US, live in a very backwards society that prizes thinness above almost all else (for women anyway) and yet bombards us on every corner with fake, unhealthy food.

As a diabetic I have to be much more conscious of what I eat that the average person, however, this doesn't make eating well easy. On the contrary, as well as lacking insulin I recently found out that diabetes also causes you to stop producing the hormone that tells you when you are full. Not only is the feeling of 'being full' confused by my past history of binge eating, but my body also has trouble even registering the idea. I went through treatment for this particular eating disorder this year with a wonderful therapist and I feel like I am truly in recovery, ejecting the CD of the eating disorder mindset from the infinate CD player that is who I am. However, there are parts of treatment for eating disorders that I have come to see as a little misguided in the past months. One of these is the emphasis on the idea that this isn't your fault, that this is a disease, it is the anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder, diabulimia, that has a hold on you. While I believe this is true to a point, I believe that these ideas can also be excuses.

I've realized over the past year that one of my biggest excuses is my weight. If a guy doesn't call me, it is because of my weight, if someone isn't nice to me they hate fat people, and most of all, if I didn't get cast in the role I wanted, I was too fat. I think this excuse is one of the biggest reasons I haven't ever lost the weight for good over the last few years. It is a nice, soft (if you'll excuse the pun) excuse to fall back on. 'Oh, it wasn't me, or my talent, it was because I was too fat." Well, I've realized that if I truly want to make theatre and dance my career I need to let go of this excuse. And the only way to truly let go of this excuse is to let go of this extra weight that I've been holding on to. I have so many excuses that have kept me from letting go of my number one excuse.

I know that I will be healthier, dance better, feel better when I let go of all this extra padding. It will mean that I will have to face the world, face rejection, without my number one excuse to fall back on, but what did I call this blog? My excuse free, inspired life! If I am really committed to living in the moment, and living without excuses, letting inspiration flow through me, I need to let go of the big one.

So, "Here I go, and there's no turning back! My great adventure has begun. I may be small, but I've got giant plans, to shine as brightly as the sun. I will blaze until I find my time and place. I will be fearless, surrendering modesty and grace. I will not disappear without a trace. I'll shout and start a riot, be anything but quiet...I'll be astonishing...at last." - Astonishing from Little Women the Musical (Look for me singing this wonderful song as my solo this fall!)

I'm jumping in with both feet. Anyone care to join me in letting go of your biggest excuse? I think it might just turn out to be the best thing we could ever do for ourselves.