I've had a difficult few days since the last time I posted. It has been a lot of ups and downs and they have been rather extreme. I've had some great moments at rehearsal and with friends, some crazy parties, some fun movies, finally going to improv, but I've also found myself slipping back into my eating disorder mindset. I think I need to go back to eating raw. It is too easy for me to slip into old habits when I am stressed and if I don't have my health to support me in these next few weeks I'm not sure if I'm going to make it through.
I love my life. I have an amazing life, I just need to put myself first, physically, emotionally, spiritually and I need to listen to the advice I've been giving my friends. I'm not going to sell myself short. I'm going to cut myself a break (each breath IS a new beginning), I'm going to get my wings ready, I'm going to breathe, and live, and love.
I'm going to be love.
Namaste'
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
New Beginnings.
I haven't posted on here in forever. And I also haven't felt like myself in forever.
Night of Musical Theatre is going incredibly well. I couldn't ask for a more talented, passionate, hard-working, enthusiastic, beautiful group of people. Every single one of them bring something wonderful and unique to the show and I truly think it is going to be something special.
Now, with that being said, the rest of my life feels like it is falling apart. For the first time in my college career I just haven't been going to my classes. I am bored. None of them are challenging me and I feel like just curling up in a ball and crying most of the time. It is only rehearsal that seems to be saving me.
This ends today. I am going to psyc in a few short minutes to take an exam I know I am not thoroughly prepared for and that I've only been to one lecture for. This will be a good wake up call for me. I realize that I haven't felt like myself in a very long time and I'm ready to treat myself with respect.
I have been very down lately that I am not dating anyone, and haven't, in a very long time. However, how can I expect anyone else to love me if I don't love myself first. I am all I really have in the end. This body is the only one I get. This magnificent body that lets me see, breathe, eat, sleep, and most importantly, DANCE. I don't know what next year is going to bring, be it grad school or moving to Seattle or moving home or any of those marvelous prospects. All I know is that I want the next breath I take to be even better than the one before it. I want to measure my life in breaths, not in exams or diplomas or anything like that.
From now on I am going to take my life moment to moment, breath to breath, heart beat to heart beat. I will measure my life is kisses, hugs, laughter, and most of all, love. I will live by the motto: what would love do? I will BE love. I will live love. There is nothing more important than love. And, most importantly, I will learn to find love within myself. I don't need to go outside myself to be loved. I can love myself. In this moment. In all moments.
I will not judge others, and, I will not judge myself. I will forgive. And smile. And cry when I need to. And live the authentic life that I know is pulling me on. I will listen to the lyrics of the beautiful and brilliant song that I am singing in NOMT: I've got to know that I can be, astonishing. It comes from me. I am all I have.
Oddly enough this focus on myself (in a loving, caring, forgiving way) makes me feel less self centered than giving everything (all of my energy, strength and sanity) for others ever did. Only by taking care of ones self can one truly be able to take care of others.
This has all been a bit rambling. But, as I start this life cleanse, this new page that has been turned in this new book (or at least new chapter) I want a reminder of all the beautiful promises I have made to myself. I am going to be doing a sort of fast for the next week(s) or so and I am going to try and blog about the changes I feel within myself as I strive for self love and respect and practice giving, receiving and BEING love.
Namaste'
Night of Musical Theatre is going incredibly well. I couldn't ask for a more talented, passionate, hard-working, enthusiastic, beautiful group of people. Every single one of them bring something wonderful and unique to the show and I truly think it is going to be something special.
Now, with that being said, the rest of my life feels like it is falling apart. For the first time in my college career I just haven't been going to my classes. I am bored. None of them are challenging me and I feel like just curling up in a ball and crying most of the time. It is only rehearsal that seems to be saving me.
This ends today. I am going to psyc in a few short minutes to take an exam I know I am not thoroughly prepared for and that I've only been to one lecture for. This will be a good wake up call for me. I realize that I haven't felt like myself in a very long time and I'm ready to treat myself with respect.
I have been very down lately that I am not dating anyone, and haven't, in a very long time. However, how can I expect anyone else to love me if I don't love myself first. I am all I really have in the end. This body is the only one I get. This magnificent body that lets me see, breathe, eat, sleep, and most importantly, DANCE. I don't know what next year is going to bring, be it grad school or moving to Seattle or moving home or any of those marvelous prospects. All I know is that I want the next breath I take to be even better than the one before it. I want to measure my life in breaths, not in exams or diplomas or anything like that.
From now on I am going to take my life moment to moment, breath to breath, heart beat to heart beat. I will measure my life is kisses, hugs, laughter, and most of all, love. I will live by the motto: what would love do? I will BE love. I will live love. There is nothing more important than love. And, most importantly, I will learn to find love within myself. I don't need to go outside myself to be loved. I can love myself. In this moment. In all moments.
I will not judge others, and, I will not judge myself. I will forgive. And smile. And cry when I need to. And live the authentic life that I know is pulling me on. I will listen to the lyrics of the beautiful and brilliant song that I am singing in NOMT: I've got to know that I can be, astonishing. It comes from me. I am all I have.
Oddly enough this focus on myself (in a loving, caring, forgiving way) makes me feel less self centered than giving everything (all of my energy, strength and sanity) for others ever did. Only by taking care of ones self can one truly be able to take care of others.
This has all been a bit rambling. But, as I start this life cleanse, this new page that has been turned in this new book (or at least new chapter) I want a reminder of all the beautiful promises I have made to myself. I am going to be doing a sort of fast for the next week(s) or so and I am going to try and blog about the changes I feel within myself as I strive for self love and respect and practice giving, receiving and BEING love.
Namaste'
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