New Blog

Well, once again, I'm abandoning this blog in favor of a new one: wonderings and wanderings.

Which can be found at:
http://msclaremarie.blogspot.com

If you're interested I'm going to try and update it much more often, following the musings of my post college life, wherever it takes me.

namaste!

Hazardous Waste

Today was an exercise in highs and lows, but it was the end of the day that really woke me up.

I follow Tricia, Jason Mraz's former joyologist (yes, joyologist) in twitter and she had an amazing tweat. This is what it said:

embracing change......its a comin...... before u go to bed let go of things that no longer serve u. let the full moon take them away!

Ahhh! How amazing is that? And that is just what I'm going to do. We studied hazardous waste in my conservation class today, and I just realized that all these thoughts, feelings, and subconscious opinions I carry around with me every day are just that, hazardous waste. And they need to be contained and disposed of, just like any other harmful thing.

I also spent an hour or so in Facebook looking at pictures. I realized that I hve hated myself (particularly my body) for a very long time. And I also realized that it really isn't about my weight, because looking through photos I realize I have been just about every weight I could be, and that didn't change my self loathing. Instead, self hate and disrespect just bred more and more of the same. So, time for a paradigm shift.

I am letting the amazing full moon and all of its wonderful power start the process of taking these memes, these pain bodies, these toxic thoughts, away. I will write new subconscious thought patterns of love and self respect.

And it all starts with auditioning for Glee tomorrow morning. I dedicate my performance of True Colors to everyone I love, which is everyone, but mostly to myself, because I need it.

Namaste.

Low. So Low.

I've realized raw foods for 30 days is not right for me right now. I have too many complications in my life right now. I am very lost and confused and I need to learn to love myself again, if I ever really have. That is my most important class right now. I know I need to graduate, but learning to live myself is the most important thing in my life. It is really the ONLY thing. So, here goes.
Love Myself 101

Namaste.

Evolution

I feel like I'm evolving every day. I've had my ups and downs over the last few days since my last post, but overall I feel that I've had a much more positive take on life. I'm ready to take much more dramatic steps toward truly being happy.

I really believe the phrase "there is no way to happiness, happiness is the way"...and so in taking some major steps down the road to happiness.

The more I eat poorly the more I realize that eating really well is one of the keys to my health and, in turn my happiness. So in embarking on another raw journey. I really do believe eating well and purely can change my life, so I'm making a commitment to stay raw for 30 days. And I'm contemplating 60 days. But at least 30.

I'm going to try to blog about my transformation, because I know a mental amd physical transformation are to come.

So here's to 30 days of raw food transformation.

Namaste.

Today is always the first day of the rest of your life.

I know I've been MIA for quite a while now, but I'm back. I'm not sure anyone actually reads this silly blog, but I'm back. More for myself than anyone else...but I feel this is a good venue to document this next phase in my life.

The last few months have been a huge roller coaster. From NoMT to Ireland, from depression to getting cast in Cripple of Inishmaan, from not getting called back for Streetcar to realising I am in charge of my own life and destiny.

I have had so many ups and downs and graduation is sneaking up. I'm not sure if I'm excited or scared. All I know is I feel like I have been hiding from this transformation that has been trying to take place in my life for a couple years. I'm ready to be love. I am ready to stop looking for love in friends, guys, theatre, food...I know now that the only way to love is to BE love. There is so much energy, love, creativity and passion just waiting to be born within me. I know this all sounds very woo-woo and naïve, but I just feel this last week the world has been screaming at me: "Clare! Wake up! The world is ready for you to embrace it!" And I am ready.

So tomorrow, hell, RIGHT NOW, I am saying YES to life. Life is here for us to embrace, to live! I've been feeling very depressed that I didn't fall in love with someone in college, that I'm graduating without ever having a true relationship, but today I realized something...maybe I didn't fall in love with a man, but I fell in love with MYSELF.

I know I will find the right man at the right time. The right people have always turned up in my life when I have needed them, and they will continue to do so. All I can do is love myself and treat myself with respect.

I am ready to be my best self. I am getting my wings ready. April 1 is really the first day of the rest of my life. And how fitting that it is the anniversary of when I met and adopted Pooka. Three years. Three wonderful years. And three years from now I have a feeling I will be marking the three year anniversary of when I made the most important change in my life.

So here goes! To life. To love.

Namaste.

Each Breath is a New Beginning

I've had a difficult few days since the last time I posted. It has been a lot of ups and downs and they have been rather extreme.  I've had some great moments at rehearsal and with friends, some crazy parties, some fun movies, finally going to improv, but I've also found myself slipping back into my eating disorder mindset.  I think I need to go back to eating raw.  It is too easy for me to slip into old habits when I am stressed and if I don't have my health to support me in these next few weeks I'm not sure if I'm going to make it through.

I love my life. I have an amazing life, I just need to put myself first, physically, emotionally, spiritually and I need to listen to the advice I've been giving my friends. I'm not going to sell myself short. I'm going to cut myself a break (each breath IS a new beginning), I'm going to get my wings ready, I'm going to breathe, and live, and love.

I'm going to be love.

Namaste'

New Beginnings.

I haven't posted on here in forever. And I also haven't felt like myself in forever.

Night of Musical Theatre is going incredibly well. I couldn't ask for a more talented, passionate, hard-working, enthusiastic, beautiful group of people. Every single one of them bring something wonderful and unique to the show and I truly think it is going to be something special.

Now, with that being said, the rest of my life feels like it is falling apart. For the first time in my college career I just haven't been going to my classes. I am bored. None of them are challenging me and I feel like just curling up in a ball and crying most of the time. It is only rehearsal that seems to be saving me.

This ends today. I am going to psyc in a few short minutes to take an exam I know I am not thoroughly prepared for and that I've only been to one lecture for. This will be a good wake up call for me. I realize that I haven't felt like myself in a very long time and I'm ready to treat myself with respect.

I have been very down lately that I am not dating anyone, and haven't, in a very long time. However, how can I expect anyone else to love me if I don't love myself first. I am all I really have in the end. This body is the only one I get. This magnificent body that lets me see, breathe, eat, sleep, and most importantly, DANCE. I don't know what next year is going to bring, be it grad school or moving to Seattle or moving home or any of those marvelous prospects. All I know is that I want the next breath I take to be even better than the one before it. I want to measure my life in breaths, not in exams or diplomas or anything like that.

From now on I am going to take my life moment to moment, breath to breath, heart beat to heart beat. I will measure my life is kisses, hugs, laughter, and most of all, love. I will live by the motto: what would love do? I will BE love. I will live love. There is nothing more important than love. And, most importantly, I will learn to find love within myself. I don't need to go outside myself to be loved. I can love myself. In this moment. In all moments.

I will not judge others, and, I will not judge myself. I will forgive. And smile. And cry when I need to. And live the authentic life that I know is pulling me on. I will listen to the lyrics of the beautiful and brilliant song that I am singing in NOMT: I've got to know that I can be, astonishing. It comes from me. I am all I have.

Oddly enough this focus on myself (in a loving, caring, forgiving way) makes me feel less self centered than giving everything (all of my energy, strength and sanity) for others ever did. Only by taking care of ones self can one truly be able to take care of others.

This has all been a bit rambling. But, as I start this life cleanse, this new page that has been turned in this new book (or at least new chapter) I want a reminder of all the beautiful promises I have made to myself. I am going to be doing a sort of fast for the next week(s) or so and I am going to try and blog about the changes I feel within myself as I strive for self love and respect and practice giving, receiving and BEING love.

Namaste'